


Risk to Remain

by silasfinch



Category: The Bold Type
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Daemons, F/F, Gen, POV First Person, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 19:38:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19235752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch
Summary: I shouldn’t be flying back to America when some girl breaks Kat Edison’s heart but I’m doing it anyway.I don't want you sitting here obsessing over your failure at a bisexual identity and couldn't stomach the idea of my voice being Exhibit A in your mental evidence." my eyes well with tears "I would miss every festival on the calendar to stop that happening.""You think I am so weak or bereft of coping strategies, daughter of psychiatrists remembers?""No you are one of the strongest people I know, but coming out and discovering your sexual identity is a challenging experience, let alone doing it publicly”





	Risk to Remain

**Author's Note:**

> I am dyslexic please be gentle
> 
> This couple is charming and I want them to reunite and daemons was just a whim.
> 
> Dæmons are the external physical manifestation of a person's 'inner-self' that takes the form of an animal. Dæmons have human intelligence, are capable of human speech—regardless of the form they take—and usually behave as though they are independent of their humans.  
> His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman Universe

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom - Anis Nin

I am a coward and a fraud.

My life is on display in magazines like Scarlet as a profile of courage in a time when feminism and LGBT rights face increasing threats both in my home country and even in places that claim far greater liberal democracy. The identities of proudly lesbian and Muslim aren't as mutually exclusive as they once were, but they still provoke controversy and commentary wherever I go, part of the reason I remain nomadic.

However, this isn't true bravery I have the blessing of strong faith, circle of friends and supportive family. I am in a position of privilege to give voice to an often oppressed community with relatively; therefore, this is my duty. There are fun times when I sneak sex toys into my luggage and taking meaningful photos but there is still a duty.

My definition of courage would involve remaining with Kat Edison in America.

I make all the right excuses about being somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum, too nomadic by nature, and struggling after my relationship with Coco. There is truth to my words, of course, but, especially after the pressures of the gallery opening and American immigration laws, but not the whole truth.

The truth is that Adena El-Amin, Queen of Dual Identities and Realities couldn't handle falling in love with a hitherto straight girl, being her guide and the increasing pressure of a socio-political climate that loathes her and made her miss family celebrations. Instead, I forced us into this unhealthy relationship cycle of intense intimacy, sexual exploration and rapid emotional distance — this cycle culminates in complete abandonment of Kat on a big night for her, Sutton and Jane. The only difference is that unlike Coco or any other the others, my heart broke in equal measure.

Fortunately for my maladaptive coping style, the gallery opening and several features in Scarlett keeps my professional calendar full and in several continents.

"We need to get some dinner it is no good starting Ramadan weak and malnourished."

I glower at my Daemon and his mothering ways. He blinks back at me from his perch at the end of my office desk. His pure white cat form is an oddity in the world of photography and artistic expression, but it suits us perfectly.

"I will eat after we finish reviewing these prints, you know the deadline is tight."

"You could do this in your sleep and are using it as an excuse to avoid thinking about America."

"Hush"

Most days Thw ghost of Kat and our time together doesn’t haunt me but there is a reasom I afford staying at home or taking American commissions. I barely fulfill my contractual obligations when it comes to social media

  
***

Kat and I proform an intricate dance on social media.

A healthy breakup would mean distancing myself from the woman on the platform that is her domain of choice. Kat is always on one platform or another, sharing witty comments and insights to her rapidly going fanbase. It won't be long before images of her in a new relationship emerge either male or female complete with hashtags, and it will be no worse than I deserve. Knowing her Kat will be far kinder to me than my actions warrant.

At the same time, I follow her blog and platform with genuine interest. For all my judgements about her beloved magazine and what it represents, Scarlet does produce meaningful content thanks in no small part to the three women who are Jacqueline's unofficial protegees. Kat doesn't block me either and even likes a few of my articles about the representation of Muslin woman and need for diversity. Similarly, I like and share reports about fighting the turn toward social conservatism.

I shouldn't have a special alert for any news related to Kat and Starlet in the first place, but it definitely shouldn't be going off every few seconds and on multiple platforms. My efforts to ignore the interruption are fruitless, and I read the headlines with mounting dread.

'Scarlett Social Media Director Victim of Revenge Porn"

The headlines vary in tone and accuracy, but the general details aren't difficult to understand. Kat's former girlfriend or fling did not take well to the ending of their relationship and is flooding her feeds with accusations and intimate photos that my trained eye knows were made without consent. The woman's reach on social is limited, and Kat's followers are loyal, but the accusations about buying likes and subs could be damaging.

My mind fills with images of Kat frantically trying to contain the damage to both her brand and the magizinne while forcing a smile.

  
"This isn't a good idea, Adena."

"I know, but I'm doing it anyway."

Amordad knows this reality, of course, he is only putting up token resistance from his position near my carry on bag which I am hastily throwing outfits into while waiting for my superhuman assistant to rearrange my calendar. Despite being something of an expert traveller my efforts and disorganised and frantic. Luckily the ACLU is championing the rights of people with visa's such as mine to enter America, and this administration is spread thin with so many minority targets. Luckily I don't need any visa upgrade this time.

  
***

Predictably the 7,239 miles back to America don't provide enough time for making even a vague plan.

Amordad is doing the sensible thing and sleeping for several hours, figuring at least one of us needs the energy to think clearly. Our daily prayers and meditation give our relationship a healthy balance in that regards. If my thoughts get too load, he will wake up and counsel me for however long I need him for, a true gift in that sense.

In retrospect, I may have overacted somewhat. Scarlet has a brilliant legal team and efforts are already underway to trace the source of the material. Kat lives and works in a state with strict laws about such internet violations. Kat is no lacking in friends and moral support.

More importantly, do I have any right to offer comfort anymore?

I can't get the image of Kat looking vulnerable and exposure from my head and feel such reach at the woman for hurting her. The comments are sickening and vile and bring back memories of her own experiences being on the receiving end of trolls. If this is a wasted trip and Kat slams the door in my face, it will be worth it for the reassurance.

***

I know Kat's routine and habits by heart.

During our relationship, I wasn't the most supportive girlfriend, but I did pay attention to this opinionated American who passionately defined a magazine that many dismiss as vapid and full of sex polls. She is the child of two loving mental health professionals learning coping strategies was practically a lullaby.

By the time I land at 10:30 pm should have had her emergency session with her best friends in the closest, they would have carefully worked out a game plan, and trash talked the former lover, but now Kat will want alone time to dissect the details and spend time in her head. Besides Scarlett is in the middle of a prominent political shoot (with a substandard photographer) Jacqueline Carlyle will need all hands on deck this close to print deadline. Kat's posts are scheduled well in advance, so she has a certain amount of heartbreak freedom.

The sensible thing to do would be to spend the night in a generic airport hotel and plan a gradual approach with complete sentences and explanations. Instead, I uber straight to her apartment with Amordad whispering in my ear.

We place the hallway in front of her place as long as common decency would allow. I am not so famous that people stalk my every move, but nobody's image improves by being caught lurking at close to midnight. My hands shake as I knock Amordad rubs my leg comfortingly. The seconds it takes Kat to answer the door seem to defy the laws of physics I barely passed in high school.

Even though she would have seen me through the peephole, Kat Edison makes no effort to hide her pain from the oversized university to sweatshirt to her red and swollen eyes.

By way of any form of explanation, I hold up my phone, which is still pinging with alerts about the article and photos. The notification fills the long silence, and I can hear a simple rhythm from Kat's multiple devices.

***

Jung is not happy to see me.

The Wolf Demon stalks the doorway of Kat's apartment protectively snuffing at our familiar scent. I carefully observe Daemon etiquette by waiting for him to complete the ritual and for Kat to defuse the situation. Amordad stands stock still before bolting for the highest bookshelf that was his favourite perch when we were together. The sight of him there makes my heart clench painfully. It takes me a second to realise that the old blanket Kat put up there is still in place.

"What are you doing here, Adena? Did you think you had a monopoly on breaking my heart or something? her voice is scratchy from disuse

I circle Jung wearily before coming to stand in the main living space ruthless suppressing the steam of memories that flood my senses at every turn.

"I..."

"Look you didn't need to waste valuable money, miss the start of a holy festival and risk immigration issues on some grand guilt gesture. You were quite clear with me from the beginning about your preferences and orientation, this isn't your fault." Kat continues refusing to meet my gaze.

I summon what little courage I possess to answer her drawing strength from Amordad's presence in my mind and lines of Persian poetry.

"No, I wasn't how I treated you was terrible and an insult to anyone in a genuine open relationship. The cornerstone of any relationship is communication, and I wove elaborate stories without taking into account your emotional health." I begin softly wishing my grasp of the English language was more nuanced.

"Regardless my wellbeing isn't any of your concern any more let's continue being friendly on social"

Kat puts as much physical distance between as possible in the small space and Yung starts to pace again, shooting me angry and protective stares. Amordad mimics the gesture on the shelving above us."

"I don't want you sitting here obsessing over your failure at a bisexual identity and couldn't stomach the idea of my voice being Exhibit A in your mental evidence." my eyes well with tears "I would miss every festival on the calendar to stop that happening."

"You think I am so weak or bereft of coping strategies, daughter of psychiatrists remembers?"

"No you are one of the strongest people I know, but coming out and discovering your sexual identity is a challenging experience, let alone doing it publically, it's natural to want to analysis everything but not to denounce future happiness because of this experience or the stupid judgements."

"How do you know that's what I am doing?"

"I wasn't always a playgirl; my pain wasn't public, but there was a familiar theme. The only claim I want to make is the right to like a post about your future wedding to the male or woman of your dreams" I offer simply

My speech doesn't seem to have any effect, and Kat glares still. I am just about to leave, and Amordad starts to stalk towards the door with a tail swish. The force of Kat rush towards me almost sets me off balance, and her long arms clutch me desperately. Hot tears land in the crook of my neck and I struggle to find the words to comfort. The selfish part of me relishes inhaling her scent again and feeling the tickle of curls.

 


End file.
